The past three weeks have been TOUGGGHHH.
I have been at home recovering from an electric bicycle accident that sent me to the ICU. The experience has been traumatic yet immensely purposeful.
Three weeks ago, my husband and I were on the capital trail in Richmond and I was probably going about 10-15mph when I fell off the electric bicycle.
There were a few moments after the fall where I wondered if I was going to be able to continue breathe - to take small breaths was beyond painful. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. I looked to my right and I saw blood coming from my face. I was scared, extremely scared and flooded with fear for what was done (my injuries).
While I do not believe God caused my accident, I do believe He used it for His glory and my good!
The first few days in the hospital were just as scary. This was my first time EVER being in an ambulance and admitted to the hospital (and I was one month shy of 30). I had visited many, many people in hospital, but it is totally different being the patient. It is totally different having doctors and nurses checking on you every few hours to examine you, provide medicine, and assess your recovery and if more tests are needed. It is totally different being the person people are visiting.
I still remember the first few hours in the ICU. The nurse had drawn blood and my hemoglobin level had dropped. I remembered my heart skipping a beat. If it continued to drop, it would mean that my Grade 4 lacerated liver was bleeding internally. The next test came back and it had dropped again.
I was afraid.
Jon was calm and repeatedly told me I was fine. Oh, his faith!!
After the second drop in my hemoglobin level, it remained constant. Then, the second CT scan showed my liver was healing and there was no internal bleeding! Praise God!
My four day hospital stay came to an end and I released to go home to continue recovering.
I believe in the POWER of prayer and am convinced the prayers of families and friends were with me during my fall and hospital stay. I could go on and on about all the little sightings of God yet one phrase that helped me realize God was with me during my fall was this remark made by several doctors and nurses, “It could have been worst.”
These moments and ALL those in between including learning of my bruises, sutured lip, concussion, and liver injury allowed me to see the condition of my faith and my heart.
Why was I so afraid? Did I not trust God to be with me? Did I not trust God to care for me?
You see, while resting and recovering over the last two and a half weeks I have been faced with long and sometimes seemingly unending moments of quietness. These were not my normal quiet time moments. These were moments where it felt like my life and heart were being cut open by the greatest surgeon of all time, Jesus. What was exposed was monumental. I was able to grasp some of my brokenness like never before.
Let me be very clear, I knew there were parts of Chelsi that were not pretty and that I did not like. Some of those parts I knew I was responsible for and others I blamed on others.
Sound familiar to you? Are you holding on to hurts and disappointments from last week, last month, years ago, or maybe yesterday? Even yesterday is too long - at least that is my new mindset. Freedom is my right!
The moments of peace in the midst of pain and uncertainty were super sweet. You read right! Those moments where I was confined to my bed and only able to sleep on one side of my body were painful yet the peace of God was so overwhelming that it was sweet. Talk about experiencing Jesus and having to get OVER your mind wanting to understand it all.
Struggle with Faith
My recovery season has shone light on my struggling faith for myself and what God wants to do in me and through me. I have always been quick to pray for others AND believe God to handle their situations (hence, why I launched AlwaysPraying.com and LifewithChelsi.com). I have seen God do miraculous things for those I have prayed for. Yet, I have often wondered where the miracles were in my life.
I have not seen God do all the things I have desired because I did not use my power - my hope and faith. I had desires. I had dreams and goals. And, they have not always been fueled by FAITH.
I have been working through my inconsistency of using my faith for others and not myself. God gave me a measure of faith when I entered into this world on May 22, 1988 and I have not been using it. I have not been exercising it like I should.
The bottom line is that my faith needs to be utilized- not just for others but also for what God wants to do in my life.
What is the condition of your faith? Are you using it? Has it been tainted by disappointment and hurts of life? Is it almost non-existent?
The Condition of My Heart
Truth be told… I have been my own BIGGEST enemy. I have not wanted to acknowledge it nor accept it.
I, Chelsi, have oftentimes been my own joy stealer, faith killer, doubter on steroids, insecurity magnifier, condemnation queen…..
My heart has been troubled. My thinking has been tainted. And, at 29 years 11 months old - the mirror was on my heart and the surgical lights were shining bright for me to see all the damage.
Years of damage from life - relationships, failed dreams, false narratives, clouded judgement, health reports, unrealistic expectations, etc.
How is your heart? Is it bitter? Is it filled with forgiveness? Can you serve those you do not like?
My Hope for You
I turn 30 on Tuesday (May 22) and I am forever grateful for this season. Though painful, frustrating, and confusing, it has opened my spiritual, mental, and emotional eyes in ways that one can only consciously ignore going forward. I know God is not done with the “surgery” He is doing in my life (heart, mind, and soul). I know there is more that needs to be removed and replaced with His Word, truth, peace, comfort, and love. I pray that I do not get weary in surrendering to His work and continuing in this process of healing and restoration.
To each of you reading this, I pray you would acknowledge YOU. Spend time with yourself to evaluate you and allow God to speak to the depths of your brokenness. It ain’t easy. It is work. I do not know your story and what you have been through. I do know Jesus is for you and wants to help you heal, forgive, and live free despite your circumstances. I hope you do not find yourself forced to spend time with yourself to allow God in to acknowledge your need for His help like I was.
The world needs a version of you and me that is healthy and always on a road of dealing with our issues with Jesus.
The lessons have been plentiful and as I continue to allow God to work in and through me, I will share some of these lessons with you. I will share when I feel led to and know if God is leading me to share then there is at least one person out there that can be set free from my story.
If there is any way I can be praying for you, let me know - comment/email me (email@example.com).
Tomorrow I head back to work for the first time in three weeks. Keep me in your prayers - healing and faith and strength to continue on this journey - physically and mentally! God has been faithful with my healing thus far and I am believing for complete healing!
As always, I am praying for each of you reading this!
P.S.S. Thank you for all the love shown - prayers, cards, calls, texts, flowers, fruit baskets, visits, etc.!!!